I was at the river today and in a state of painful exhaustion, I broke down and cried. All the ignorant and hateful energy behind prop8 just sent me to my knees in utter and complete agony. And, of course,Nature performed her healing magic. Some things are too personal to write and some things are meant to be shared NOW. I flashed on the time I was confronted by a group of skinheads, how I saw beyond the hate and saw instead a scared group of kids. Imagine that, kids with chains and clubs were afraid of me! I did a Peaceful Warrior breathing technique and visualized them moving along peacefully. It worked. Flash to the last time I saw my father on this earth, him hobbling on the beach with a cane. At first I was in panic as he was walking my direction( it had been several years since I last saw him)then an unexpected and amazing thought came to me"It's not your job" what? I snapped out of my panic attack. "It's not your job to hate him. It's not your job to punish him". I became invisible to him as he walked right past me and the monster I grew up with was just a little old man with a hat and cane. Later in a vision, I saw him as a scared kid putting his drunk, alcoholic father to bed and dealing with his mother who was nick named"crazy Hazel".At one time I fantasized about doing a "go to hell" dance on his grave, I now found myself leaving a "Thank You" note instead.He was a scared kid.Flash to me several years ago, attending Westmont(christian collage) and again, in sheer and utter desperation, begging to die and contemplating speeding the process along.I was trying to change my feelings about the possibility of being Gay. The church people had prayed over me to rid me of the "demon of homosexuality", and, as I was extremely uncomfortable with strangers touching me with strange energy, I found a way out. I did the best performance of my life and acted like I was "slain in the spirit", falling to the ground and babbling, which they took as "speaking in tongues". It worked. they backed off feeling certain that I was "healed and now heterosexual". Still at collage, I was in a "support" group where, among other odd things, a counselor checked in with me to make sure I was not "falling into temptation" by masturbating.(creepy!!!!!!!!!!) Other young women were in the group and we were given the names of famous men who were cute. the fact that they had to TELL us who was cute should have given us a clue that heterosexuality was not natural for us!Again, I flashed on these people. Again they were scared.I flashed on growing up with unspeakable abuse at the hands of both parents, one man, one woman, heterosexual and "christian". I flashed on being in a good therapy group and listening to men who were abused by catholic priests only to be told to be quiet. I flashed on a time when I taught teaching credential students how to detect abuse in children. A woman told me that, as I was telling my story, she flashed on a girl in her preschool, reported suspected abuse and was right. The little girl was protected, given therapy and is doing well, the perpetrator in jail. I flashed on how different that little girls life will be because of that intervention and everything I had gone through now had a purpose. Knowing that I have helped at least one child makes the struggle worth while. Flash to now, prop 8.Love Celia
I confess that there have been times when I have not been the "Peaceful Warrior" but the "Pissed Off Warrior", flipping certain hand signals at "yes on 8" signs and endlessly arguing with narrow minded bigots who spout off the "evils of the homosexual lifestyle" ad nasium.To many nights I have awakened to arguing with these stupid people who just won't listen to reason. I've been sick and painfully tired. Another flash, when I was one of those condescending, holier than thou narrow minded bigots. I went to church since before conception and was trained to fear anything that was different.I was scared.My spiritual path has taken me on many adventures and I've done more soul searching than there are words to speak. I have been to "hell" and, I have been to "heaven". Many of these experiences are just to amazing to put into words so I won't go there. What I will say is that I know who I am and I AM OKAY!!!!!!!!!!My spiritual health is great and it has nothing to do with anything written in a book. So, I don't care what religious people spout off about. They are afraid.I have compassion for them. So, I am reminded to bring back the Peaceful Warrior, see beyond the hate and love those who appear to be my enamies.Flash on Wayne Dyer and Marianne Willamson talks. When I pass a "yes on 8" sign, I say "In spite of my feelings, I send you love". I feel better.
My spiritual path is my own and I know what I mean by prayer, God etc. I'm not into the bearded guy in the sky thing but I respect whatever path anyone is on as well as there being no path. I can only suggest that we ban together for the good of our world and make our part of the world a little bit better. For me, I go to nature. I am soooooooo grateful to be so close to the creek and river. Also, I'm soooooo grateful to have my theatre families in Ridgecrest and now in Bako. I can't imagine going through this without these wonderful people! And, of course, my dog Scodie who provides endless comic relief. Flash again to when "GOD" showed up in a "dream". God was a DOG and answered all my questions. I look in the eyes of dogs and I do see God. Makes perfectly good sense to me!
I love you all and I send you dignity and respect. Lets hope that everyone can send the same to us, or, at least, a majority of CA voters. I have my shields up against anything other than good energy and send out only good energy.
I have written some letters to papers to try to encourage grey matter activity. While I'm not great with the computer, I'll do my best to send them.
Take care and know that there are some good forces at work. If you need a comic relief, find a dog or watch Ellen [Degeneres]!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
from a brave friend in Kern County
Cool, I have other people writing my blog entries for me. This is from Celia who lives with her partner (now wife) in Kern County. As you might imagine, Kern County is not exactly a hotbed of glbt rights. It's a place I visit to go hiking/climbing in the Sierra's but I would never, ever live there. To call her brave is way understating things.