Snow Grieving

Still reeling from my avalanche class. I loved it but was put on terrain that was above my skill level and that seems to have messed me up some (though the class itself was great and I still need to write more about it in time.)

Given how much trouble I had with skiing on difficult terrain and how I'm not willing to move to the mountains since my life is here and I like it and I pretty much emotionally need to be near the ocean as its nearness has always been a part of my life, I've decided to learn snowboarding. Snowboarding has a very steep learning curve BUT unlike skiing, if you stick with it you can get proficient in a much much shorter time period. I had avoided snowboarding since its use was limited in the backcountry, but that's changing with the invention of things like the Split Board (A snowboard cut in half and used like skis to climb and put together like a snowboard to go down.) i'm excited about this decision, but with this resolve to learn it comes an inertia about everything else.

[later]

I'm still grieving about how skiing went during the avy class. I feel as it I've lost something dear to me. I feel as though what I've been working towards is not attainable (being an expert skier while being a part time skier - and it's true - this might not be attainable) and it was just torn away, but that really doesn't cover it. I was placed in a position over my head and forced to cope and unlike common "wisdom," it didn't make me grow. Instead I've gotten worse and my confidence has been shook down deep. I don't want to even plan a trip at all as I'll just fail anyway (never mind that I learned a lot - that doesn't seem sink in). Fortunately, I don't think I'll fail at snowboarding (it is easier and eventually attainable even part time) though some part of me fears even that.

I was planning a Shasta trip. I don't want to.
I was going to apply to Whitney. I don't want to.
I was thinking about Yosemite trip. Not any more.
I was thinking maybe just Lassen, but not even that appeals.

I want to bail on the Sierra At Tahoe women's ski camp, but I'm going to make myself go. They say that it's run at whatever level you are at.

It's funny how this grieving (weird that that's exactly what it is) comes in cycles. Most of the time I'm fine and then suddenly I'm not.

Of course the dogs don't want me to go anywhere without them and it's tempting to just give into that.

Terri read this and mention that I'm letting my fears run away with things. She's right but I feel I have to let it run its course and not make any serious decisions right yet.